Faker of the Rings
by Arashi Leonhart
Summary: Crack.  The FSN cast interprets the LotR story.


AN: It fits pretty well, ne?

Random crack, because I can.

* * *

><p>Faker of the Rings<p>

* * *

><p>Shirou: You're late.<p>

Rin: A magus is never late. Nor is she early. She arrives precisely when she means to.

Shirou: …

Rin: Yeah, I overslept.

* * *

><p>Rin: This is the One Ring. Forged by Sauron in the fires of Mount Doom itself.<p>

Shirou: Kiritsugu found it…in Gilgamesh's cave. What must I do?

Rin: Leave, and leave quickly. Make for the village of Bree. Wait, get down!

*Rin pulls a loli out from the window*

Rin: Confound it all, Illyasviel von Einzbern, have you been eavesdropping?

Illya: Maaaaaaaaybe?

*Rin pulls on her ear*

Illya: OKAY OKAY I HEARD EVERYTHING JUST STOP!

* * *

><p>Illya: Just something Rin was saying.<p>

Shirou: What did she say?

Illya: "Don't you lose him, Illyasviel." And I don't mean to.

Shirou: …You're making that up, aren't you?

Illya: Yeah, she actually said something more like, "And keep your hands to yourself!"

*Through the thicket Ayako and Taiga crash into them*

Taiga: Shirou~

Illya: …She did not say anything about that, however, so you're on your own here.

* * *

><p>Illya: That fellow has done nothing but stare at you for the last hour.<p>

*They look: a figure in a yellow rainjacket is sitting in the corner, green eyes staring out from beneath the hood*

Shirou: Excuse me, who is that?

Innkeeper: One of them rangers. Dangerous folk, wandering about the wild. Don't know what his name rightly is, but 'round these parts, they call 'em Saber.

* * *

><p>*Shirou accidentally uses the Ring*<p>

Saber: You draw far too much attention to yourself, Mister Underhill.

Shirou: Who are you?

Saber: Are you afraid?

Shirou: …Not really. Are you a girl?

Saber: What of it?

*Illya, Ayako, and Taiga charge in. Saber turns and draws…nothing.*

Illya: Wut?

Ayako: Really?

Taiga: AREN'T YOU GONNA DRAW A SWORD?

Saber: …Brave, little ones.

Ayako: I'm taller than you.

* * *

><p>*Ringwraiths charge in*<p>

Shirou: Trace, on!

*Shirou charges in back; lead Ringwraith deflects his attack aside and stabs him*

Illya: Oh snap.

*Saber appears and fights with the Ringwraiths*

Lead Ringwraith: Foolish mortals.

*Lead Ringwraith removes his cloak; Avenger stands before them*

Avenger: No man may ki…oh.

*Saber readies her sword*

Avenger: Let's go, boys!

*Ringwraiths scatter. Saber runs to where Shirou has fallen.*

Saber: Curses, I thought I had my scabbard around here somewhere…

Shirou: It's all good. I'm fine. Really.

Saber: …Huh.

* * *

><p>Shirou: Where were you, Tohsaka?<p>

Rin: I was…delayed.

*flashback to Isengard*

Luvia: AGAINST THE POWER OF MORDOR THERE CAN BE NO DEFENSE!

Rin: You just love being a ham, huh? Anyway, I'm outta here. ARCHER!

*Archer appears and they leap off of Isengard together*

Luvia: …Why didn't she do that, like, a month ago?

* * *

><p>Kotomine: The strength of men has failed. There is none left that can lead them.<p>

Rin: There is one among them.

* * *

><p>Shinji: And who are you?<p>

Saber: A friend of Rin Tohsaka.

Shinji: Giggity...so we are here for a common purpose, frien-

Saber: No not really.

* * *

><p>Shirou: I will take it! I will take the Ring to Mount Enzou I mean Mount Doom. Though...I do not know the way.<p>

Rin: I will help you on this task, Shirou Emiya, for as long as it is yours to bear.

Saber: By my life or death I could protect you...I will. You have my sword.

Archer: And you have my bow.

Lancer: And my lance.

Archer: And my sword. And my other sword. And my axe. And my dagger. And my spear. And my other sword. And—

*Lancer glares*

Shinji: You carry the fate of us all, Emiya-kun.

Illya: AH! Shirou isn't going anywhere without me!

Kotomine: No, indeed, it is highly unlikely to separate you even when he is called to a secret meeting and you are not.

Ayako: Oi! We're coming too!

Taiga: Besides, you need people of intelligence on this sort of...mission. Quest. ...Thing!

Ayako: ...That rules you out, Fujimura-san.

Kotomine: Rejoice! For you shall now be the Fellowship of the Ring!

Taiga: Great! Where are we going?

* * *

><p>Shinji: Such a strange fate, to be bound by such a little thing.<p>

Saber: Matou, give the Ring back to Shirou.

Shinji: But I want to feel the power, at least once! Can't you let me just once?

*Shinji goes to unzip his pants; Rin drop-kicks him from behind*

Rin: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

* * *

><p>Rin: ...Fly you fools!<p>

*falls*

Shirou: Nnn-

Lancer and Archer: oooo!

* * *

><p>Caster: You are a ring-bearer, Emiya of Swords. To bear a ring of power, is to be alone.<p>

Kuzuki: Caster.

Caster: Souichirou-sama!

*glomp*

Shirou: …

* * *

><p>Archer: I hate you.<p>

Lancer: Likewise.

Archer: ...But...we both lost Rin.

Lancer: ...Yeah.

*MANLY hug*

* * *

><p>Shinji: It should've been mine, it could be mine, give it to me!<p>

*Shirou sword spams*

Shinji: ...Nevermind. URGH!

* * *

><p>Gilgamesh: They stole it from me...mongrels. Now I want it back!<p>

*Gilgamesh sword spams. Shirou copy-sword spams.*

Shirou: Bitch, please.

Gilgamesh: Then I'll take her heart-!

*They both turn to find not Illya, but Berserker in Illya's clothing*

Gilgamesh: WTF?

*Illya Punches Gilgamesh from behind*

Shirou: ...Where the hell did Berserker come from? _And why is he wearing your clothes_?

* * *

><p>Archer: Forgive me, I thought you were Luvia.<p>

Rin: I'LL KICK YOUR ASS!

Saber: But...you fell.

Rin: ...Magus?

* * *

><p>Assassin: This forest is my home. Here, let me recite some poetry—<p>

Ayako and Taiga: NO THANKS!

* * *

><p>Issei: It's Tohsaka the Fox, my liege. She is a herald to woe.<p>

Rin: Ryuudou-kun, your shoelace is untied.

Issei: I refuse to fall for such an obvious trick!

*Issei slowly looks down, and when he does Lancer swoops around and clocks him lightly on the back of the head*

Rin: Rider, Queen of the Gorgons! Too long have you been within the shadows!

Archer: We sure this isn't Luvia?

Rin: I HEARD THAT.

Luvia!Rider: You have no power here, Tohsaka the Red Devil!

Rin: Luvia keeps gay porno mags beneath her mattress for emergencies.

Luvia!Rider: HOW DARE YO—

*Rin Kung Fu's Luvia's spirit out of Rider*

* * *

><p>Gilgamesh: Mongrels. They stole it from us. Sneaky Fakers. Wicked. Tricksy. …False. False Fakers. I need new material.<p>

* * *

><p>Sakura: I would not take this thing if it lay by the wayside.<p>

Shirou: ...Really?

Sakura: Go on with your quest. Here, I have prepared some breakfast to go.

* * *

><p>Saber: Send out riders, my lord!<p>

Rider: ...Are you making a joke?

Saber: Gondor will help!

Rider: ...r u srs?

* * *

><p>Assassin: Well, I would help, but I cannot leave this forest.<p>

Taiga: Awright! We're totally moving this forest then!

*Ayako facepalms*

* * *

><p>Lancer: Archer! Two already!<p>

Archer: I'm on seventeen.

Lancer: NO EMO KID IS GOING TO OUTSCORE ME—

Archer: Nineteen.

Saber: EX—

*Atop the battlements, golden light*

Saber: —CALIBUR!

*Hundreds of Uruks are vaporized*

Lancer: Well…

Archer: …Shit.

*At the gate, a white horse*

Rider: Ride now! Now for wrath, now for ruin, and a red dawn! BELLEROPHON!

*Another vaporization by the hundreds*

Archer: Dammit, I KNEW I should've copied those trick arrow guys with multiple shots at once.

* * *

><p>Rin: King Rider stands alone.<p>

Stheno: Not alone. Rohirrim!

* * *

><p>Stheno: Stay away from the trees!<p>

*Uruks run headlong in*

Voice from within the trees: _Hiken—Tsubame Gaeshi!_

Lancer: …Now that's just hax.

* * *

><p>Ayako: I offer you my services, Rider-King.<p>

*Rider gives an evil grin*

* * *

><p>Gondorian: It's the Red Devil!<p>

Rin: IMMA GONNA KILL WHOEVER CAME UP WITH THAT NAME!

*Rin and Taiga approach the throne where Zouken sits*

Rin: Now, Zouken is Shinji's grandfather or something. He will be somewhat displeased to hear of his heir's death. Do not speak of Saber. Or of Shirou. In fact, it might be best if you don't speak at all, Fujimura-sensei.

Taiga: Right!

*As they stand before the steward throne*

Rin: Hail Zouken, son of—

Taiga: Why'd you raise Shinji to be such an ass, anyway?

*Rin facepalms*

* * *

><p>Sakura: So now you wish our places had been switched, that I had died and Shinji had lived?<p>

Zouken: Yes...I wish that.

Taiga: YOU ASSHOLE I'LL KILL YOU!

* * *

><p>Gilgamesh: Now, into the cave, where a mongrel belongs.<p>

Shirou: I'll totally trust you because clearly you have earned my trust so far and I totally don't have a death wish.

*Illya facepalms*

* * *

><p>Bedivere: None but the King of Gondor may command me!<p>

Saber: I has an Excalibur, which was Caliburn, the Sword that was Broken.

Bedivere: MY LIEGE!

* * *

><p>*A shadow stalks them in the cave*<p>

Shirou: Er, on second thought, this is not cool and I want to beat Gilgamesh with my bare hands now.

True Assassin: I'll eat your heart!

Shirou: Uhhhh...damn, I forgot Caster's gift—

Illya: We don't need it. BERSERKER!

*Curbstomps True Assassin*

Shirou: _Where do you keep him anyway_?

* * *

><p>*Avenger knocks Rin down*<p>

Avenger: Foolish little girl, no man may—

*He pauses*

Avenger: I think I hear Rohirrim charging. Off I go!

Rin: Idiot.

Rider: Ride now! Ride now! Ride for ruin and the world's ending! BELLEROPHON!

*Orcs die by the thousands*

* * *

><p>Rin: Stay this madness!<p>

Zouken: Madness? THIS. IS—

*Taiga pushes him off the Minas Tirith plinth*

Taiga: SCREW YOU!

* * *

><p>Orc: Late as usual, pirate scum! C'mon, there be knife work that needs doing!<p>

*Saber, Lancer, and Archer leap from the boats*

Orc: …How were you able to steer those things?

Saber: Riding skill. If it moves, I can ride it.

*Lancer and Archer start snickering*

Saber: …Must we, in the middle of battle?

Lancer: There's plenty for the both of us, may the best Irishman win!

*They charge, Orcs start dying; Archer Caladbolgs a Mumakil*

Lancer: THAT STILL ONLY COUNTS AS ONE!

* * *

><p>Avenger: Foolish mortal. No man can kill me—<p>

*Pause. Avenger looks at Euryale, then to Ayako, then at rapidly approaching Saber*

Avenger: ...Oh. Dammit, this is totally a lame invulnerability!

Caren: Our forces are being driven away, Avenger. Why don't we flee and go have rabid sex in the hills instead?

Avenger: I am totally okay with this.

* * *

><p>Euryale: I've got to save you.<p>

Rider: You already have.

* * *

><p>Saber: Long have you hunted me. Long have I eluded you. No more. BEHOLD THE SWORD OF THE LADY OF THE LAKE!<p>

*Sauron shows images of Shirou in captivity and in pain*

Saber: WE CHARGE THEIR GATE TOMORROW.

* * *

><p>Illya: I can't carry it for you...and I really can't carry you. Berserker!<p>

*Shirou is picked up*

Shirou: I'll walk, I'll walk!

Gilgamesh: Mongrels...to climb so high!

*Berserker does delaying action on Gilgamesh as Shirou and Illya make it to the mountain*

Illya: Destroy it! Throw it into the fire!

Shirou: ...No. The Ring is mine! I shall use it to propose to Saber...or Rin...or even that cute Sakura we met a while back...

Illya: Noooooooo, Shirou is mine!

Gilgamesh: Mongrels, this is mine. Now I shall use it to propose to Sab—

*Ash from the mountain lands on his jacket, and when he distractedly brushes it off, trips and falls into the pit*

Shirou: I FORGOT I CAN COPYPASTE A RING LOL LETS GO HOME.


End file.
